


burn the house down *WORK ON HIATUS*

by malachailatte



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Multi, and a couple of gays/pansexuals in the mix, and neither does the first scene, because that matches the show, essentially this is maybe what would've happened if the suicide attempt failed, maybe i'll do the three year time jump, payton learns to feel, so river never died, these characters don't belong to me, this is a group of bisexuals attempting to out bisexual each other, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-11-22 23:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20882666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malachailatte/pseuds/malachailatte
Summary: when payton hobart's competition in the race to become student body president attempts suicide, there's an awful little part of him saying he should be relieved. okay, not so little. after all, his competitor was just that. competition. and popular competition at that.but it isn't that simple. because the boy who attempted suicide is river barkley - payton's crush, mandarin tutor *and* his threat to the presidency, and payton isn't ready to let him go yet. even if it means giving up everything.---or, what would've happened in the politician if river never died?





	1. i wish i had a river (prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> warning: this fanfic does contain river's suicide (attempt) in emotional detail, the threat of outing and it actually happening, some details of river's first suicide attempt and some general plot-points that may be uncomfortable for some readers (warnings will be added as they are written and before they are published) xx

Payton burst through River’s bedroom door with two fuming accusations: “Why are you doing this to me? Why did you have to pick Skye Leighton?”

As if he expected the arrival, River didn’t turn away from the window. “Astrid said if I picked her, I’d have my best shot at winning.”

“_Why _are you listening to her?” Payton shouted, near hysteria. “She doesn’t want what’s good for you, she wants power. You’re the way she’s gonna get it. She’s Lady Macbeth!”

Finally, River turned. His eyes were filled with a kind of sadness Payton didn’t think he’d seen in him since the student debate. The debate where he told the school about his suicide attempt. “You gotta calm down.”

But Payton didn’t. “She’s jealous of us, can’t you see that? That is why she’s trying to take this away from me. Why are you hurting me?”

With tearful eyes and a shaky hand, River touched Payton’s face, like he was trying to memorize every line and angle before he never saw it again. “You-- you have so much pain.” His thumb gently ran over Payton’s bottom lip and every instance preceding that where River’s lips had touched his own crossed his mind. The memories were so vivid that Payton closed his eyes, trying to relive them before his own ambition led him to lose River forever.

And when he opened his eyes again, River had turned around and Payton’s heart had changed. He tried to bluster his way through a more sympathetic persuasion. “You don’t need any of this. You’re gonna go to college and join the Peace Corps. This isn’t gonna help you.”

River turned back to Payton and the change in his face was a shock. The initial fear and sadness in his eyes had been replaced by calm. Almost like the calm before a horrific storm that tears in and destroys every single thing, living and material, in its path. “I’m sorry.”

Payton was about to ask him what he was sorry for, what he’d ever have to be sorry about, when River’s next words stopped him in his tracks.

“I really did love you.”

Something in his hand appeared by his side.

_ Oh, God, that’s a gun. He’s got a gun. _

“No!”


	2. hate to say that it's dark in here but it's true

**Breaking: Student from Saint Sebastian High School still in critical condition at hospital after tragic accident**

"It wasn't an accident," Payton mumbled, unable to look at the picture of River smiling on the front of the local newspaper. It looked like a memorial picture.

_ Like he was dead. _

_ No, Payton, don't think that. He's critical but he's alive. He could survive this. _

"I know, honey, it's awful." Georgina Hobart sat down with her son at the breakfast table, genuine sadness across her features. "I liked him. He was a gentle, sweet soul."

The words were kind but Payton could only focus on the use of 'was' and 'liked'. It seemed like everyone but him had made their peace with the possibility of River dying. "Mom, I know you mean well, but please stop referring to him in the past tense. He's alive, just… ill."

Georgina clasped Payton's hand. "Of course, honey. He'll be okay."

The rest of the day felt like a hazy blur, mixed with grief and denial. To Payton, every wavy-haired brunette boy in the distance looked like River. Every door slamming shut sounded like a gunshot, _ the _ gunshot. And every time he closed his eyes, he saw River raising the gun to his head and pulling the trigger.

All he could think was that it was his fault.

_ God, how could I have said all that to him? That he was a ‘backstabbing traitor’? That I would out him if he won? That he was hurting me? That he couldn’t run because it was my dream and my election to win? _

It had taken a bullet to make Payton realize that he had been in the wrong. And that scared him. Why hadn’t he been more gentle with River? The boy told the entire school during the debate that he had already attempted suicide once and Payton _ still believed his career was more important. _

He always believed River was a calculating, cold politician like himself, when in reality he just cared. His moves were for the better, not the bravado.

The possibility of losing River to his political career had occurred to Payton. But never, _ never_, like this.

School felt empty. The entire student body had felt the impact of what had happened to River and the building was silent. So silent, anyone who was unaware of the event would’ve thought it was a ghost school rather than a living one. The faculty didn’t know what to say either. River had been popular. _ Was _ popular _ . _ And nobody had known a thing. His kindness had been mistaken for happiness until it was too late.

Payton drifted through each class, avoiding the accusing stares of people who knew he’d been there. Who was he kidding, everybody knew. Everybody knew he had witnessed it. Hell, some people believed he had orchestrated it.

_ Especially Astrid. _

River’s girlfriend had always been a rival of Payton’s for a variety of petty reasons, but this had knocked all of that loose.

He waved to her but Astrid couldn’t meet his eyes. Just to avoid him, she turned the other way. Payton was pretty sure he would’ve done the same thing in her situation but he _ needed _to talk to her. She would know more about how River was than him. Nobody else would tell him a thing, all because he was there when it happened and he didn’t stop it. And nobody hated that fact more than Payton did.

Damn, she was fast when she wanted to be - he had to run to catch up with her. “Astrid,” Payton panted. “I just need to talk.”

“About what, Payton?” She rounded on him, suddenly furious. “What could you possibly have to say to me?”

“You know what,” he said quietly. “I just need to know how River’s doing.”

“Oh!” She laughed humorlessly. “You mean River, _ my _ boyfriend, who _ you _ watched shoot himself and did _ nothing_.” Every word she emphasized send a stabbing pain right through Payton’s heart and it took all his might not to just break down right there in front of her. “He’s in a medically induced coma, Payton. They finished surgery on him yesterday but the damage… they don’t know if he’ll wake up, or what he’ll be like if he does.”

All Payton could do was apologize. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “It happened too quickly, I didn’t see the gun until the last second and I couldn’t stop it.”

Suddenly, Astrid didn’t look so angry anymore. She just looked broken, scared, like Payton was. He had to remember that they were in the same boat. They both loved River, and River loved both of them. “Look, Payton, he’s allowed visitors later. I’ll talk to River’s parents, come by the hospital at 4. Okay? That’s all I’m doing for you.”

Grateful, Payton nodded. “Okay. Yeah. I’ll be there.” And as Astrid walked away, he could only think of one thing.

_ I can tell River I’m sorry for what I’ve done. Whether he can hear me or not, I can apologize. _

And right now, that was worth the world.


	3. i don't know if you're listening or if you wanted to hear from me

Payton stood outside River’s hospital room, heart pounding. He was just moments away from being able to see him, from being able to speak to him. 

As soon as it was the end of the school day, he had raced here, hoping with all his heart that River’s parents would allow him to come in. It was the only thing that had gotten him through the day. But besides that all-encompassing hope, there had also been some level of nerves gnawing at him from the back of his mind. It wasn’t to do with whether River’s parents would let him in, although he supposed that contributed to how jumpy he was. 

No, it was because Payton had no idea how River would look. After… after shooting a bullet through his head.

The newspapers had all been vague about how on earth River survived, but that wasn’t surprising when River was still a minor and his parents had probably kept the gruesome details from the public. Payton himself had been asked about it by police but he didn't remember how River had looked. 

Just the  _ bang _ . Then he was gone.

The realization that he might not even recognize River scared him.

"Payton?"

Astrid's voice knocked him out of his own head and he responded, "Yes?"

"You can come in.” She had been crying, her eyes a scary mix of bloodshot red and watery mascara. Payton didn’t think he’d ever seen her cry before.

“Thank you.” Slowly, he stepped inside.

And suddenly, all his fears came true. Nothing could have prepared him for seeing River for the first time.

River looked like a ghost. His face was deathly -  _ don’t think of death, Payton _ \- pale, the skin around his eyes and forehead was just mottled, purple bruising, and he was so still. If you couldn’t see his chest gently rising and falling, it would be easy to think he had just died. He didn’t have his curls - _those curls you used to run your hands through_ \- anymore, just a soft fuzz on his head from it being shaved in surgery. And the scar… it was huge, considering how Payton had just expected a single hole. Instead, it extended all the way across the left side of his head, slicing a line through the hair he had left. 

Three people were surrounding the bed - Astrid had returned to a chair and was holding River’s hand, his mom was leaning over the bed with her hand on his cheek and his dad was just behind her, holding her other arm in a comforting way. He felt like he was intruding on this scene, like he didn’t belong here among the people who  _ knew _ him.

Payton knew River but it had only ever been personal. Intimate. Nobody else knew about it. To anyone else, this would look like a rival paying respects. Only he and Astrid knew differently.

“Hi,” Payton said shakily.

“Hello,” River’s mother responded, wiping her eyes hastily and coming to shake his hand. “You must be Payton. The boy River was running against. You were also one of his Mandarin students, correct?”

_ But I wanted to be so much more. _

He nodded. “That’s me. I’m still not very good at Mandarin,” he smiled softly, “but that’s on me. Look, I am so, so sorry. When he said at the debate about… about his first attempt, I never imagined it would happen again. He was always so  _ kind _ and he helped me so much and I-”

“Payton,” River’s mother started, holding out her hands to him. “We don’t blame you for this. We- we knew he was struggling. And we tried to help, but we didn’t know what would help because he’s always been someone who smiles.” The tears started falling down her cheeks then. “No matter what. His priority is other people.”

“Don’t I know it,” Payton replied, wishing he could smile at the thought. “I just… I wish I could’ve stopped him. It just all happened so fast I don’t know what I could’ve done-”

River’s father held up a finger, stopping Payton in his tracks. “Payton, there was nothing you could’ve done.” He didn’t sound like he believed that as much as his wife did, as he regarded Payton with mistrust. That was fair.

His mother looked towards the door, almost like she wanted to escape. "I need to get a drink." 

"Okay, honey.” His father looked at Astrid. “Do you need anything, Astrid?”

She stood up. "I'll come with you.” 

If Payton had felt awkward before, the feeling had doubled now. “What would you like me to do?”

“You can stay here, Payton. We’ll only be gone a few minutes, and I’m sure there are things you want to say to River,” his mother said, brushing his shoulder with her hand in a comforting way. It almost sounded like she knew.

_ She couldn’t. Could she? _

Then the three of them left, Astrid shooting him a pointed look that said ‘make this count’ as she closed the door behind them. As soon as the door shut, the room fell almost entirely silent, save for the beep of River’s monitor. It felt so cold.

Payton sat where Astrid had been and reached out for River’s hand. Then he gasped.

It was warm. He knew it would be, it obviously would be, River was just in a coma, but it was the first solid confirmation he’d had that blood was still running through the veins of the boy he loved.

“River,” Payton started. “I… I don’t even know what to say to you. What could I say that would make up for every bad thing I’ve said to you before?” He rubbed his thumb across River’s hand, like he was trying to absorb the warmth before it disappeared forever. “I’ve been the worst person in the world to you. I just kept saying and doing bad things because I wanted to win this election, and yet, through  _ everything _ I threw at you, you stayed relentlessly, irritatingly kind.” Payton gave a small laugh through the sobs, tears starting to fall down his cheeks. “I don’t know how you did it, stay so damn sweet when you were hurting so much. I know I couldn’t. And now… now I might not be able to take it back.” The tears were free-flowing now, impacting Payton’s ability to say more than a few words at a time without a shuddering breath. “I might not be able to say I’m sorry. Or that I miss you. Or that… th-that I… think I love you.”

He couldn’t take it anymore. To save himself from more tears, he let go of River’s hand and walked over to the window, trying to steady his breathing. It wouldn’t bother Astrid, but he couldn’t let River’s parents he had been crying like this.

Then he heard a voice behind him. A voice he couldn’t mistake for anyone else’s.

“Payton?”

_ Oh my God, River’s awake. _


End file.
